Well, im not really a writer and english is not my first language, hell even im sux at my first language, idk why i even using english now hahaha. I am just hittin 32 last couple days, and my gf just give me a great break up gift. Im pretty devastated and ofc like normal victim (people) i fell sad (as deep as that hole in 300) and devastated, especially when she said she is start talking with this guy. No i am not try to look for sympathy from u readers (if any), i wrote this because i think it might get me a bit better, because deep inside my heart i wanna scream out really loud (which actually i culdn't because my beighbour will call cops) so why i not try to scream out loud here :).
Lets start with common information; couple years back i am extraordinary positive person which always see thing in positive way no matter how bad the situation is, good ? bad ? well i never sure about that but thats just how my mom teach me and i think she did a great job for that (i love u mom). But it started to change arround 3-4 years ago, i can say 2 years ago is the biggest downfall to my positive thinking. Why ? well what else ..... Drugs!!!! yes boys and girls drugs will actually destroy ur brain soo much with various different style (yeah style not effect). But once again im using drugs when i am in relationship with my ex, and she were staying with me for those 1 years nightmare of my life and finally can make me quit, thats one thing you guys should think before judging my cheating gf :). I really appreciated everything she has done to me, eventhough she leave this deep wound on my heart now. Back to drugs, yes drugs cause this huge paranoia on my head and actually make me thinkin negative about everything, and at the final stages; it's infect me with depression state. For you, young readers especially, probbably you not understand how depression can destroy your life, but believe me it's actually worst than hiroshima and nagasaki bomb. Depression leave me in negative thinking all the times and i start to fight with my gf over small things. Early in our relationship i am is the water and she is the fire, most of the time she will blasted me with all silly things you guys couldn't even imagine, example: when we not even be a couple; she getting upset and blasted me because i am not callin her for one day, it happens because i am really exshausted after doing my assignment and from work. But hell i am to kool to start get provoked by those things, i just laugh and actually say sorry, which i believe i should not, but thats just me. I start to comfort her and actually make she happy again somehow. But then this drugs comin :/, one single spark from her could burn all amazon because i am adding more fuel in it. Thus our relationship getting bad, and as far as i remember we not even have meaningfull moment on that period, there is only sadness.
In between those sad year, i need to fly back to my country to fix some documents for 3 weeks. And then this sad incident coming, turn out when i arrive back here in Sydney the first thing i(we) did is having sex. After finish she said to me somthing hurt down there, i though it is because i am playin it to rough. But its not.... She started to develop sores down there; and we do medical checkup, and it's happen she contracted std. Out of suspicion i try to ask doctor how she can possible get it, as i never have it and still don't have it till now. I believe the doctor is having his code by not saying it, i did try to ask doctor to check me for possible infection to me, but its impossible with no sores showing. Thus it leaves me in this deep depressing state. I did tell this story to 2 my best friends and they not saying it straightforward but basicly they said she is chetaring while i am away. Out of their comment i manage to dig some positive information by searching on internet about the disease, and somewhere in internet it said we culd have this kind of std without any sores showed, thus i try to plant in my head that i am actually the one bring this disease to her and infect her, i still try to think this way till today. Out of my strees thinking about the disease i got even more addicted than before. Then come this day when she cried so much about my addiction, and i feel so guilty and finally i decide to stop for good.
Well stop using drugs is not bad, but when my head clear a bit i start to cheat on her, which i really regret it. Luckily i don't have enough balls (i have only 2 btw) to have sex with my cheatin partner, so i can walk away with that with less guilt (not a good thing to say but i believe it alot better than if i actually have sex with her). Then my gf catch me and ofc ww III happen, and i decide to cut loss my connection with my cheating partner. Thats alot of writing today, i will continue tomorrow or in couple of days to continue the story, thanks for everyone reading this :)
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